~Jokes i got off
of websites and such~
A little old lady,
well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily
hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving
at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"
The clerk, politely
trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then
asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"
The clerk responds,
"Yes we do".
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu
tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
There was a boy
standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked
why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I
caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought
some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked
at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained
why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked
his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied,
"That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
A lady goes to the
doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back
in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman
replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't wan to have to come back."
The doctor thinks
for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles
appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!"
exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later
the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the
lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?"
asks the doctor.
"Just look at these
bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor
retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
A boy was playing
with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind." The
boy said, "Dad, I'm over here."
hahaha hilarious lol
A man decides to
have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at
a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving,
he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was
the reply.
"I'm actually 47,"
the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes
into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh,
you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing
at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I
am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my
hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no
one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later,
the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man
says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies,
"I was behind you at McDonalds."
There was a man
who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his
job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"
"For twenty years
I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"
The wife ran over
and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened
to the pickle slicer?"
"Well," he said
with hesitation, "they fired her, too."
Once upon a time,
a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along
a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect
couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving
conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The
mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for
the answer...
The perfect woman
survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no
such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is
no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
A guy comes home
from the bar one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed
for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up
and asks, "What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown,
I am winning 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself
"I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her,
"What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown,
tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm
gonna fix her." He's lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, "Now
what in the world was that?"
He replied, "Half
time, switch sides."
MORE TO COME! HEHE :)
